Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
pray to the hookup gods
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
there is puke in my bra ... again
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
