tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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