I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
