Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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