would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
