you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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