Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
