He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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