the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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