yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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