who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
