There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
