There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize