gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
