Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
