I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
