I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
