they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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