Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
