Do you still have your period?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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