A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Couch. On fire.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
