I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
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