come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
