My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
