how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
