mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize