I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
