he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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