dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
