It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
