Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
