I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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