Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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