You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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