just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
PANTIES FOUND
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