Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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