She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
