true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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