I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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