woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
