So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
