I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
