I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
