I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
