I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just blew my weed a kiss
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
