I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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