I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize