Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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