I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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