I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
