considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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