i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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