dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
