i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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