When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
