I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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