He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you had me at cake vodka
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
