things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What a dumb baby whore.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
They left me at home... I'm a liability
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
