I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
