I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
