I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
