just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
